Gimp2

GIMP

best of Douglas Adams- my favorite authour

Mostly Harmless

A man invents an aorist rod to mine energy from the past, and within a year tracts of the past were being fully drained. Those who complained were accused of an "extremely expensive form of sentimentality", as the past was a cheap, clean and plentiful source of energy. Anyone who said "draining the past impoverished the present" was told to "keep a sense of proportion".

Only when the people realised that the "selfish plundering wastrel bastards up in the future" were doing the same thing to their era were aorist rods banned. "They claimed it was for the sake of their grandparents and grandchildren, but it was of course for the sake of their grandparent's grandchildren, and their grandchildren's grandparents."

Palaces in the Galaxies

Bethselamin is a fabulously beautiful planet which attracts billions of tourists each year. Unsurprisingly, erosion is a primary concern of the local authorities. Their solution is to remove any net imbalance between the amount of matter eaten and the amount subsequently excreted through amputation surgery. Thus it is vitally important to get a receipt after every trip to the lavatory while on the planet.

Eadrax, home to the main administrative hub of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division, which now covers the major landmasses of three medium-sized planets. Eadrax is home to the Complaints Division spaceport, and originally home to the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division motto, "SHARE AND ENJOY", which stood in 3-mile-high letters above the main office block, before it fell through said office block and into the ground. Only the top halves of the letters are now visible, and appear to read, in the local language, "Go Stick Your Head in a Pig".

Important terms invented by Douglas Adams

Shoe Event Horizon

The foundation of the Shoe Event Horizon theory is that when depressed, people tend to look down, and when they look down, they see their shoes. To cheer themselves up, they might buy themselves a new pair. Thus, in a generally depressed society, demand for shoes will rise.

In the critical condition, demand for shoes rises faster than the capacity to make good quality footwear. As shoe quality decreases, the demand increases further because shoes wear out faster and need to be replaced more often; as the demand for shoes increases, cheap mass production causes shoe quality to drop even more. What results is a spiral of increasing shoe demand and decreasing shoe quality. Eventually, this destabilises the economy to the point where it is "no longer economically viable to build anything other than shoe shops", and planetary society collapses.

Adams had gone to London's Oxford Street where, quoting him, "You can't throw a brick without breaking a shoe shop window". Despite every shop stocking thousands of shoes, none had a pair which was the right size, price, or colour, or which was comfortable, durable or stylish without being outrageous.

People invented by Douglas

Gargravarr

Gargravarr, the disembodied mind and custodian of the Total Perspective Vortex on Frogstar World B ("the most totally evil place in the galaxy"), suffers from real-life dualism and is therefore having trial separation with his body, which has taken his forename Pizpot. The dispute arose over whether sex is better than fishing or not, a disastrous attempt at combining the two activities, and his body going out partying too late

GOD

"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing". "But," says man, "The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. "Oh, dear I hadn't thought of that" said God before disappearing in a puff of logic.

Poetry

"Ode To A Small Lump Of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning"

Putty. Putty. Putty.

Green Putty - Grutty Peen.

Grarmpitutty - Morning!

Pridsummer - Grorning Utty!

Discovery..... Oh.

Putty?..... Armpit?

Armpit..... Putty.

Not even a particularly

Nice shade of green.

Zen And The Art Of Going To The Lavatory

Relax mind
Relax body
Relax bowels
Relax.
Do not fall over.
You are a cloud.
You are raining.
Do not rain
While train Is standing at a station.
Move with the wind.
Apologise where necessary.

IT trouble shooting

At my job I was told to monitor the network and check on people stuffing it. So my sniffer is working and I see lines of network jargon moving upwards.

I saw a spike, checked it some one was visiting pornsite, and you know that once you have seen a naked lady you want to see all of em.

I found that there was this student sitting in one of the labs on a corner computer,
he was sitting low on his seat, like those street racers with his back towards a glass wall, that was really stupid coz anyone passing by could see what he was doing.

So I stood behind the glass wall, saw what he was doing. I thought of letting it go, but my boss came around too. I told my boss I'll handle this .... he is just doing what a Man does.

I went to this bloke, and here is the conversation:

ME : Hey buddy, How are ya doing?

Him : I am doing great (puts his bag on his "stiffy")

ME : Good, good, so you'r doing your assignments..right?

Him : Yeah, shit load of stuff.

ME : Yeah, tell me about it, anyways....how much bucks have you got on you?

Him : ...may be around $200?Why?

ME : GET LAID!!

HIM : What? (It dawned on him)..oh ...(ALt+F4....ALT+F4)

ME: That one is really cute...but she dont belong to the UNIVERSITY LABS.

I bet his penis did a 360.
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ME : Randwick Pizza hut, how may I help you?

Janet from the library : My coffee holder isn't working anymore..JOE

ME : Janet that's your CD player (drive), stop using it to hold your coffee cup!!

Apparently she received an email from me with a link saying "free coffee cup holder", when she pressed it, out came the CD drive.

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Roslyn form the PR : hi Joe, Every time I turn on my radio my computer turns off.

Me : Ok, I'll come up and fix it.

When I went to her office I found that she was running a toster, kettle,Radio, printer, computer, monitor and heater from the same wall socket. She had used so many extentions that it looked like a mini nuclear reactor power station.

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Peter, my boss : " Pick up the phone, Joe"

ME : "hello, Joe here"

Cathy from the Marketing department: " Can I speak to Peter please"

(I turned to my boss and I wispered him its Cathy...My boss (a Marist brother) took few steps back and made a cross with his index fingers, and wispered " KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME"

me : OK....Cathy... Peter's not here right now...Is there anything I can do?

Cathy : yeah...I got a software to install on my pc which Peter gave me...but I am not able to install it. It asks me to press "any" key on the keyboard, but I can't find it.

Me : Oh, I understand, no problems Cathy...I'll get it fixed... can you give me 15 mins...I'll be there in your office.

Cathy : Ok...Thanx joe.

So I went to HarrisTechnology with Peter, bought an "any" key. Went to Cathy's office and replaced F12 with "ANY" key.

Thank you Optus

The year is 2001.

I was just sitting in the lecture hall with my friends. The hall had about 30 students in it. There was this nice girl sitting next to me, texting away on her mobile. Her batteries were about to go flat.

She looked around and later she decided to ask me if she could borrow my mobile for few minutes.

She took my mobile, turned it off, switched the sim cards and restarted it.

When the phone came back to life, she smiled...and grinned and then started laughing. She is a very good friend of mine now.

Well, let me explain it..... you remember that old Nokia model 8250, pretty little phone, with blue back light. ( I want one of those back!!)

I changed the name of my general profile to "....is my bitch" (pardon my French) and my carrier logo was "Yes Optus"

So it reads "Yes Optus...is my bitch". Just because I was angry about the "flag fall" charges.

So that pretty lady, with a million dollar smile, is my friend ( It could have gone further...but she had a nice boyfriend already!! All the nice girls are spoken for!!)

I frankly told her that...she's got to put me on the waiting list! Later I found that the list was quite long. Well! It was a good try, but the wrong girl.

I was introduced to her boyfriend later, the man was really a nice dude (lucky too!!)

This incident gave me a hope, that a nerd like me have a chance. I told her what I thought , and I was relieved. I understood that I got to consider a girl as a person first....and not an object of desire, respect her decisions and give her space.

I set things straight instead of keeping it in mind, and she respectfully denied my proposal, but I felt good. She smiled and got me introduced to one of her nice friends later.


So thank you Optus, you made my day.

be nice get slapped

I got slapped today by an old man. Do you know why? because I tried to be nice to him.

I have never been slapped ever by any one as a matter of fact there has never been time in my life that I had to fight with someone.

This old man must be holding a higher post at his job and was very arrogant, obnoxious and absolutely rude. He had his daughter admitted in the nursing home above my office.

He must have got into the elevator to get off on 4th floor. I was waiting for the elevator on the third floor. I pressed the call button. Unfortunately for the old man, the elevator went up, and started descending down, I think he did not open the door on time.

So the elevator stopped on the third floor, I got in, I realised that he was suppose to go on the 4th floor, so i told him to get off on the third floor or else he'd have to travel down and then back up.

He just exploded when I said this, he blamed me for "forcing " the elevator not to stop on his floor, and as we exchanged words, he just slapped me. I had to get the security to force him out of the building.

Can you believe this, I mean I understand the meaning of "No good deed gets unpunished" but damn. I realised that I just needed to shut up. Not going to do any more community services no more. Next time some one might just kill me for suggesting something helpful.

Chronicles of memories

I am what my friends made me. I dedicate my success to all my friends back in Australia who straightened me out and made a real person out of me.

I am sitting in the car with four of my friends. I was sitting in the front seat with Ahmed who introduced me to his other friends. Well I was the newbie among them, and I was to be tested to see whether I "fit" them or not. It was about earning respect I guess.

So one of the blokes,Vince looked at me, noded his head and said " Bro you are really ugly! girls don't like ugly people"

I looked at Ahmed and then I looked into the vanity mirror, I turned back to Ahmed and asked " Bro am I uglier than him?",

Ahmed noded too, he replied " I am sorry to say this Sanju, but yes, you are"

I said " Shit, If I am uglier than him, I got to admit it , I am really ugly"