Sunday, May 31, 2009

invention of zee "stupid talk"

me: hey jobless
its shirtless jobless heere
vinode90: lol :P
me: insignificantly attractive attributes contradiction
vinode90: and whats that in engliush? :P
me: no its stupid; i invented it
it sounds like its great; but really its dumb
vinode90: then its not english :P
me: its written in english
u try ur hand at it
vinode90: but my hands will get unclean :(
me: u have to say my ambidextrocity will be accutated to no point of return resulting in dermatities
vinode90: er....(scratches head)
me: i have to post this

Thursday, May 28, 2009

the president Obama chat

You: i am looking for president obama
Stranger: thats me
You: great
You: so howz life
Stranger: its ur lucky day
Stranger: lifes hectic
You: certainly iz
Stranger: but good
You: great
You: howz the pooch doing
Stranger: the american ppl have realized that it takes a long time for theses crises to end
You: i hope he doesnt mess up the white house carpet
Stranger: the pooch is doin great, tahnks
You: u opened up the Swiss bank account yet
Stranger: hah, even if he does, this is the white house, son,we get new rugs super faast
You: ofcourse
Stranger: and why would i tell youthat
Stranger: you have red too many novels, son
Stranger: *read
You: nah
You: just a GAS
You: oh oh
You: i know the american style
You: probabaly we can shoot the pooch with bazooka

Friday, May 15, 2009


things that i hate if it happens to me: (it already has, and keeps happening)

  1. when some one farts (nasty winds) when the take-off is delayed.
  2. Sitting in warm and wet seats, they are wet coz someone has been sweating a lot.
  3. When they clean the plane from inside while you are still sitting.
  4. when you want to go to toilet, the plane goes through turbulance.
  5. you get to watch the movie that you have already seen 20 times. ( thank god to LCDs it does not happen any more).
  6. AND your ear phones don't work, Oh and you also find out that it is actually the earphone socket in you seat that doesn't work. I have watched a mute movie, and it was HINDI and since then, that is how i watch them. It's really funny when people are gyrating their pelvic and no music is playing. Try it someday.
  7. I get the Isle seat, so that every one bumps with my elbow, which i can't keep in coz the seats are too small, and the person next to me is using the armrest that is common to us.
  8. the safety lecture, I SAY GET ON WITH IT, even if we do know, we still die, no one lives if we fall from 30,000 feet. what am i suppose to do, get to the nearest exit and jump.
  9. WHY ARE THERE NO PARACHUTES UNDER THE SEATS. instead we have the standard, life jacket. Actually it must be FREAKING amazing, coz you land on your ARSE not any other way. WHAT IF there is no water ???. Does the life jacket turn into a parachute. OH and ofcorse you have to inflate it YOURSELF while your lungs have collapsed due to fear.
  10. YES i prefer walking.
  11. YES i prefer death.
  12. NO, I HATE AIR INDIA. sorry no offence ment, but they REALLY SUCK.


life without internet since Monday

The great BSNL died on Monday. Thats MTNL for other states.
I rang them, I am scared of calling BSNL customer service, those people are scary.
I think they always have bad days.

Well in Gujarat we got 1597 for complaining about the Internet. It's always busy. You need a phone that keeps calling them till you get the ring ring sound.
I got connected after two hours of try.
I have to be pretty quick with what I have to say coz the phone disconnects itself in 1 min, and they hardly ever call back, unless you mention you "UNCLE, FATHER or ANY other RELATIVE" who knows someone important or is related to some one working in BSNL.

me: " My number is 23290568.[stop] , internet is down [stop], wht's the problem [stop] "

I talk like the old TELEGRAPH SYSTEM, keep it short, or the line will short.

customer care : " yes , it's down, thanks for letting us know, even though we know that already "

.......teeent.... teeent.. GREAT. the line cuts off.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

My best friend Moses

There he was standing in the computer lab, one of the only 2 Indians who took that subject, Computer Fundamentals. Now , how can an Indian be not good at Computers. Moses is good at computers, but he wanted to show off his skills.

25 pcs in the lab, some as old as my grandfather, i pulled them apart and put them back together and then pulled them apart again for the students to perform their tutorial. I neatly put the spare-parts of each pc in separate cardboard boxes, with the name of each student on it, Moses picked it up and put his card board box on his working desk, poised, confidant.

After 10 mins into the practical i was summoned, there I met Moses, his face lit up as soon as he saw me. "LOOK I FOUND AN INDIAN, AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE WONLY ONE!!". After few weeks he became my good friend.

The Wierd Moses:

I am Hindu and he is Christian, he was new in Sydney, so we went out one Sunday and found out his Church. He asked my to give him company on the first day.

The Church was huge, as soon as we entered the Church the pastor gave us the mike to introduce ourselves, silence, Moses got the Hibbi Gibbies, so I took the mike, to stop the embaressment and introduced overselves. he was wondering " what do i do with my hand" like the movie Talladega nights. His stupor was mind blowing.

After the Church we went to Starbucks, (here the wierdness started). I ordered a flat white, Moses ordered " Herbal Coffee", which they don't serve. here goes the conversation:
Moses : " I want herbal coffee"
shop assistant : " we serve herbal tea sir, if thats what you mean" (she meant: "funny hahaha")
Moses : " no no, I want herbal coffee"
shop assistant : " we dont have that in our menu, you may choose any other from the 300 flavours we serve, how about a herbal tea"
Moses : " nope, herbal coffee"
shop assistant : " sir we cant do that"
Moses : " Ok let me come inside, i will make it myself"
shop assistant : " Sir....." I cut her out
me : " Just give him a capucchino, he is new here"

That woman kept staring at us all the way, till we finished the coffee, and Moses got his herbal Coffee, he dropped two Butter Menthol in it.

Dont ask me, IT TASTES HORRIBLE. Nestle would say NO NO NO...dont do this to our product.

So this is the list of his wierdness
  • He puts butter menthol in his coffee
  • He dries himself with a hair drier after bath, doesn't use a towel, takes him 1 hour to dry.
  • He uses his train pass on the last day by exiting and entering the magnetic gates, till its 12 am when the pass expires. He wanted to do that just to check. he got caught doing that, got a fine. Moses sued the railway ppl and won the case.
  • He puts coke in his rice.
  • He ate his dinner once for 5 hours, I am not kidding, he started at 9:30 and finished at 3:30 am. (DON'T ASK ME HOW).
  • He is the only guy I ever knew who gets into a supermarket and stays inside for 3 hours. I vowed never to go shopping with Moses.
  • He gives headaches to he Chinese people. They hate Moses.
  • He carries 2 spoons , a fork, ketchup, sugar and salt sachets in his bag, with paper napkins that he collects from every McDonald's we go.
  • He also carries a pair of pants and shirt, just in case.
  • Oh also the soap, and moisturizing cream, and sun tan lotion and sunscreen lotion. (I don't know why he carries a sun tan lotion!!!!!)
  • He smokes the ciggies the other way around, he says he needs to filter the air first.
  • He fills up bourbon and coke in separate glasses and sips from both glasses at the same time.
  • He has mixed a coke, fanta, sprite in one, and drank it.
  • He goes to the beach at 12 AM at night for a swim and only in winters.
  • He also tried to get Armani and Tommy Hilfiger perfumes mixed, coz he liked both.
  • He got an Armani suit for $5000 and he was not the first one to wear it.
  • He asks for a hot coke when we go for lunch at Oporto.
  • He puts the coke in microwave to make it worm, he says cold coke hurts his throat.
The Great Moses:
  • My best friend, my mentor, my family in the foreign land.
  • Never forgot my birthday.
  • We went through all kind of shit together, never left my side ever.
  • His conviction, determination and dedication to finish what he started, amazes me, I have read about such things only in autobiographies of great men of these world.
  • I bet that no one , I mean no one can match his mental capacity to bear the brunts of life.
  • The man is a machine, he used to three jobs at the same time and studied at two universities at the same time.
  • His name reflects his personality without any doubts.
  • He always keeps his promises, no matter what he looses in return.
  • He helps everyone who asks for help, If he can't, he will find someone who can.
Moses sometimes has stayed awake for a week without sleeping, when he made up his mind, he did it.

He used to take-up other people's shifts so that they don't loose their jobs and so that they won't miss University.

He would empty all his savings for you, if you show him that your conviction is genuine.




Friday, May 8, 2009

MY fight with Office Babu

So I went to get my families medical "thingy" to get transfered from Bombay to Ahmadabad.

I went in the office and submitted the paper which my father gave me (FLASH BACK: Son don't loose it, this is the only one paper, make sure u get it in the right hands). So i took the paper back got it photocopied and gave the copy to the BABU.

The Babu promised the work to be done in jiffy, well coz i was talking to him in the Lecter Hannibal tone, smooth as possible laced with all the buttering words there could be. He made an entry in the register. I asked him, " What do i have to do next?", "NUTTHING, YEVRY THING IS A1", came the prompt reply.

15 days gone, (well if everything was going to be ok, I would'nt be writting this). My mom went to dispensary and found that our names were not registered in the system AGAIN. So I was called on to finish the task of fixing the debacle and so i went back to the office, guess what the babu has been transfered, "GREAT" so i caught hold of another one. I gave him the numbers and he punched it in the pc and nothing came up. He looked at me and said " NOT IN THE SYSTEM". I said "ok, then put us in the system, what is the procedure?"
He told me the procedure and I confirmed that I had already done that 15 days ago.
Here goes the conversation:

Babu Hindustani: " You have to submit the paper from the head office"
me: " I already did that 15 days ago"
Babu Hindustani: " It's not here, you have not submitted it"
me: " here is the copy of the paper"
Babu hindustani: " this won't do, I need original"
me: " I already submited the original 15 days ago"
Babu Hindustani: " It's not here, you have not submitted it"
me: " here is the copy of the paper"
Babu Hindustani: " this is not original, I need original"
me: " it is a fax copy"
Babu Hindustani: " You have to submit the original"
me: " I already did that 15 days ago"

I did this for another 45 mins, and after running around the tree I got dizzy. It reminded me of Merry-go-Round and round and round.

The babu Hindustani was relentless, he has such a practice and mastery of "NOT YEILDING" that my eyes brimmed with tears, I found my guru," teach me, this great art of yours, master, take me as your deciple"

me: " Ok , before we go for the next round, lets take another route"

me: " Take this copy and do your thing, coz its a fax and I don't think it matters whether it's a copy or not as long as its got those numbers on the top of the page"

Babu Hindustani: " No sir, Can't do, the procedure demands for the original fax"

me:" definately sir, you are right sir, but i am sure that the last person here before you did an entry in the register, If its not so much trouble, would you please please (" IN THE NAME OF ALL THE 36,00,000,000 Deities") check it."

Babu Hindustani: " your papers are not here" pointing at a pile of files " It should be in there, it's not there"

Now I lost my cool, this goddamn good for nothing, imbecil, doesnt even give me an option of how to fix the goddamn problem.

me: " well i did submit the paper 15 days ago"

Babu hindustani: " You didn't, If you had it would have been here"

me: " Are you trying to say that I am lying"

Babu hindustani: " It's not here and you have not submitted it"

me: " I have , and you have lost the bloody paper"

Babu hindustani: " What Bloody, Bloody are you talking, go learn some manners, who taught you to talk like this"

me: " I said bloody papers, not Mother F%^#$, don't you dare start a fight with me"

Babu hindustani: (raising his voice) " I am done with you, what bloody bloody are you talking"

His blood pressure was rising, and he squealed as his pitch went high. I could'nt stop myself, I started laughing out loud. I wish i could record the way he spoke.

This made the babu real mad, his Chameli Ka Tel Chappat hair-style went all disheveled. he stood up from his chair and started throwing tantrums.

I left the office, called one of my relatives, who knew some one important, and that important person knew the babu's superior. and after a few phone calls by me, the Babu Hindustani got the phone call. I was summoned back in the office.

Babu Hindustani: (still on the phone) " definately sir, ofcourse sir, no problems sir, only 5 minuits sir, yes sir, no no sir, ofcourse not sir, yes sir, ok sir, thank you sir"

Babu hindustani: " Why did you call the GM for?"

me: " I wanted to get the work done"

Babu Hindustani: " Why couldn't you tell me that you are Mr. Pandya's son"

me: " what if i was an ordinary person's son?, and If you could read , check the paper I gave you, my dad's name is written on it!!"

well at last after 2 hours of head ache, he did finish his work.

but what it over yet? can it be over yet? OFCOURSE NOT

He made my sister a man, my grandmother my mother.

so my granmother is now 40 years old and my mother is 75, and my sister is a guy.


I didn't have the heart to go to that office again, I asked my dad to take a day off and fix it himself.

Oh man, who gives these people job, some one can die just going through this bureaucracy.

To get officially approved work done I had to put pressure on him. I can't fathom what a little man has to go through.


Monday, May 4, 2009

The Air Port Blues Part 1

I read my friends blog about how he enjoyed his air-port-to-home adventure and that how he did not get furious about the troubles he had, coz ofcourse he was going home, the best feeling ever. Inspired by him I too thought of writing about my air-port-to-home funny adventure.

From now on I will refer to Airport-to-home as A2H.

You know I find it hard to recall any anecdotes that I can compare my A2H adventure. I believe it's like how your doctor tickles you, you burst out in a laughter and then suddenly he jabs you with his syring, then you are not laughing anymore, but somehow its funny in a painful way.

So my journy started from Sydney International Airport. My best friend Moses accompnied me to bid-me-farewell. His enthusiasm was so emphatic that I started thinking about his intentions, it was like how you say bye bye to your uncle and his family that have been pestering you since a month. ( the cousin who would not leave the T.V alone and sleep on you bed and kills your computer).

So i thought of buying something for my family and friends, Moses and I entered this duty free perfume shop, (apparently you should not buy anything else from Australia, coz Australia is made in China). Moses is not an ordinary person, I might just have to write a chapter on him. After finishing off with almost empty pocket i left for the security check......And my hard-funny-venure started..... I went through the metal detector after emptying my pockets in a tray they gave me. RRRRIIINNNG (it actually sounded like bio-hazard siren) the lights started blinging and I was to start all over again, this time i removed my belt, RRRRRIINNGG again, so i removed my shoes..... RRRRIINGGG again, no i did not allow them to remove my pants. That security officer put my shoes and belt through the X-ray... nothing, searched every corner of my body....nothing there too.. actually there were all the things that a man has but only they are not security risk. Satisfied after frisking me, they figured that stupid metal detector was set to be too sensitive. With whatever dignity i had left i put my shoes on and my belt, tucked my shirt in and off we go for immigration check. There this CIA-looking person looked at me as if I was an alien, but he quickly recognised my face from the passport. I really wanted to talk about that attitude of his.

Anyways, i sat in my seat later expecting some pretty woman sitting next to me, which actually never it never happens. The seat remained empty, so i got to streach myself all the way to India.

I reached the Bombay air-port on time, went through immigration check, where the custom officer was asking for a bribe coz he saw the 500 dollars i was carrying. anyways i went through that ( i didnt give anyone anything, he forgot that I was born here), I was really flabberghasted about how they treat people. Well I was not worried about that coz i was too happy to be home.

So i waited for the connecting flight to my city.....Ahmadabad. I took THE AIR INDIA ( WARNING: dont be too cheap try State Transport buses, travelling in AIR INDIA can seriously leave scars on your soul). The air hostesses were so large that they had to walk side-ways to go through the isles, i am sure that one of them even had a moustach. They reminded me of nasty school teachers they show in hindi movies. No I am just kidding but I was really scared of them, they really looked intimidating.The weather was too turbulent and Ahmadabad was dark. Our plane kept circling the city for 2 hours, the pilot said that we might just have to go back, but some how we managed to land. LAND AGAIN, My backside was sore, i felt relived that ATLAST I GET TO GET OUT OF THIS PLANE.

I reached ahmedabad at 1:30 Am, and the air port was flooded with water. The feeling of home is incredible, overwhelming, I instantly I forgot all my woes. The smell of wet soil in the air soothing my soul, the drops of warm rain washing my worries away, incredible. I could not stop smiling, at some point i started laughing, people were looking but i didn't give a damn, actually some started laughing too. Its contagious this laughter. I actually made couple of friends with that laughter of mine at the air port, we were sharing our flight woes later.

Now to the funny part. The air-port was flooded and my luggege was all wet, I was not sure whether my playstation2 wud actually be intact. I was waiting for my luggage at the conveyour belt, guess what was the first thing that came out of the rubber blinds, A DOG, yes a dog on the conveyor belt, I guess he was doing his cardio, he kept moving forward but he would some how end up at the same place where he started. later he was trotting in the opposite direction, but he wasnt going anywhere. then the trouble started for him, the luggages started arriving, he saw this large oversized black duffle bag comming towards him, he jumped and he landed on the floor, he too seemed to be happy to be on the LAND again.

I saw couple of NRI's who were showing their kids....Look son A DOG in the international air port, and then the kid screamed in joy " LOOK daddy a pegion and it is doing a doodle on that seat", apparently he had never seen a pegion do doodle, in his life, NO thanks to NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC and DISCOVERY.

So I took my wet luggage outside to find that the rickshaws were on strike, but there was one. He offered his services and I obliged. I had to give him $15 to get to home, actually it costs around Rs.70. Man i missed the rikshaw ride. It does not have any suspension, so you kind of FEEL a lot, more with your aching backside.

But after a quick shower at home, with a cup of hot coffee in my hand i was standing in my balcony enjoying the rain, and i was laughing again thinking about my adventure. NOT KNOWING THERE WAS MORE TO COME WHEN I GO BACK TO AUSTRALIA.