Friday, November 27, 2009

Drunken Ninja friends, who are good at entertaining

That's how every one looks like after being 110% wasted. (she's pretty right!! she's got 2 pairs of everything).

DRUNK FRIEND: *HIC*, I am  Garfg, How did my pants Garfoof-me underwear, and WAAHYY are everyunce flaafling at me.

ME : I'll tell you as soon as I  unknot my stomach.

Ok, to make the short story long, here is how it started.

I don't drink much, I am a social drinker, mostly at dinner/lunch meetings discussing about what's going to be discussed in the next meeting and what color should the carpet be for better feng-shui.

As I work like a mule, I can't drink enough to speak zapalese. But me friends party hard, and 3 of my room-mates bring home 10 of their closest friends, and 15 more tag along as they are the closest friends of the 10 of the closest friends.

I was on night shift most of the week that month, one day after a Good Day's sleep I woke up in the evening having coffee with my 70 year old STUD Italian neighbour, who complained about THE party at my appartment. These are his exact words: "Joe, do you watch Discovery channel? Have you ever seen an animal stamped? Well, there was one going on in your appartment last night, and next time I'll call the RSPCA to get the monkeys into cage, get my drift?"

I said " ok , I'll make sure they invite you next time, lots of girls in there....Alright, don't give me the Don Vito Corleone look, I get it, the offer I can't fukin refuse, I'll tell them to keep it down"

So the Friday night came, and happy hour was in order, with 5 of my friends with 3 Jack Daniels , so that makes us 8. I decided not to drink, coz I had to go out next day early.

Well as expected, 4 of em got pissed,(The fifth element was me, DAZIUGNATED DRIFFEER designated driver in their language ). I mean you could run your car with their fart, F1 fuel.

I decided to take them away, to give thy neighours some rest. took em to Bondi beach. My friends and I were hungry so we decided to get some take-away from burger king (I love their Chicken grill burger). One of my friends knew the manager there, so he went inside to get the order, and meet his manager-friend.

4 of us waited outside, one of them went gaga. There were these 2 Lebanese guys approaching towards us. So our gaga friend stopped them:

GAGA                    : " Two guys, walking alone...enjoying yourself"

One of em            : " HA HA HA, good joke"

GAGA                   : (interrupts them) " No fucking girl friends huh, so  
                              fucking sad"
Both                    : " Airibi (something something in arabic), Vallah! I'll 
                              chop you head off" 

I explained and apologized, coz they had already called their 20 closest cousins. And 6 of their cousins....I knew, so I saved our arses.

Anyways, after eating, we headed back to car, when I suddenly realized  one of the GAGA was missing; Coz he was pissing; right next to a bus stop.

I had no idea what to do, "HOW CAN I STOP A MAN WHO IS PISSING ON PUBLIC PROPERTY",  so I did what I knew the best. I kicked his arse hard with my foot. with piss alover his pants and open fly, I dragged him towards the car.

AND no its not over yet GAGA no 2 went missing, he was taking to these German tourists; 2 men and a woman.


The good thing was that zeir English was poor YA, so they didn't catch the GARFF ya.

I had to restrain these people with seat-belts and climbing-rope I had in my boot. Got them home. 2 got passed out and 2 were about to.

Dragged them to the third floor one by one by their legs, their head's going duuf duuf on the carpeted stairs.

Threw them all in one room, one over the other, made one wear underwear on top of his pants , took a picture and went to sleep. ALL IN A GOOD DAYS WORK.

Next day, they all complained why their mouth tasted like carpet, and obvious extra head ache I gave them.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

This post contains the most hated phrases and sentences, ever , like it's so awesome

Every thing is so awesome and kwel, that it is killing me. It's like so annoying to like use like so many times in like a sentence that like I want to like just hit my head on the wall. mah head is hurting, reading awesome so many times and writing awesome so many times and typing mah instead of my on daily basis.

Basically, it is fairly unique that I have to like use awesome words and phrases to point out that this awesome paragraph contains all of the words most hated in the world literally. OMG I forgot the "", Its just fascinating, like how many times one has to do "" while talking about awesome things. "At the end of the day" and the beginning of new one, I personally think that at this moment and this time it's 12 Am in the morning and I am absolutely, let me be more emphatic, ABSOLUTELY 110% sure that I have added unnecessary commas, and " " quotes just for kicks.

I am like so annoyed by the the phrase "no issues" which ends many many awesome sentences, that I've counted 24 "no issues" while discussing awesome issues. Basically, I thought that "no issues" had to do something with not having any babies. OH MAH GAWD I forgot LoL's, I know 3 people who write LOL all the time, even when things are fucked up they write LOL... HA HA HA HA I gave you the wrong assignment dude LOL, "MAH BAD DUDE", now this particular person has never met anyone from Ghetto, or interacted with any trailer trash in like this whole wide awesome world, but We have to use the "lingo", "fer yer information, it's in mah email", and If I say "Damn internet", she says " stop using the "CUSS" word, my awesome guess is it means CURSE words, and I just wait for the "upcomming" LOLs, without any reason, HA HA HA HA HA nice work HA HA HA HA HA, LOL HA HA HA HA, I forgot to pay you HA HA HA, LOL.

I mean there are some awesome people who believe in "synergism" so much that they have to have synergy to take it to the next level, because everything is in "safe hands".

In India we Like speak "ONLY" for kicks. Like I am the ONLY one, I live here only (it's suppose to mean "I live here", that's all) , we have even added one of the awesome word that I personally hate the most "na", Why does every sentence have to have "na", I've heard awesome people speak " It's only one "na"" which is suppose to be " is it only one?" WHY MAKE STUPID QUESTIONS when I can just pitch my voice and add "na" to ask. Here is my question, which actually is not a question " You are ok, na", buddy. Now my enthu (short of enthusiasm ) is wearing off.

AT THE END OF THE DAY I hope to GAWD I gave you all a nice lovely awesome head ache, to like remember. I just put all the words that are most hated in this world and put em all like together to make an AWESOME post. I tell my self I shouldn't of done it, but I donno.

Actually If you search the internet for "most hated phrases" you will get like same awesome list copy pasted at like 20 places, GAWD DAMN screen crawlers.

Don;t ask what screen crawler means, just google it. I don't want to prove my nerdiness. LOL, HA HA HA HA HA.

I should stop now, coz like I donno but this awesome ness is getting to me.

This is hillarious Mad TV

This is for the porn star wannabes, its not adult just a spoof by Mad TV.

This is for the Lovers of Sex and the City

Desperate Stupor

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Telstra Customer service

Abu quit his job at Kwik-E mart Joins a call center

He joins a call center in Telstra and tells people to stop stuffing their phones with prawns.

He started getting better, and found that he could multi task

I just laughed my arse off

Monday, November 16, 2009

A spoof on life

This is the most idiotic and stupid story ever started, I m goona put my brain away and write it, but I want you people to complete it and add things to it that makes it more and more annoying, all the other tweetities and blogghorrea sufferers.

It's ok to be stupid sometimes, it's a stress relief. writing about smart and intelligent stuff makes you Socrates and writing parodies stuff makes you Russell Peters. tell me who is more famous and less boring.

Long long Ago, in a small town with small people, there was this guy called "Incasufindmybrain Postit2me", his first name is "INCASEUFINDMYBRAIN" and last name is "POSTIT2ME". Pronounced like "dumb-me-brain....(pause).... pust-it-thwo-me"

here is the side view of his brain structure:

He always wanted to be a superman, but he was scared about how his butt would look in the tight Spandex(®tm), but he thought that If he wore a cape it won't look that bad, maybe also add an underwear on top of pants to hide his assets and make it less objectionable . (that's the reason Superman wears a cape and undies on top of spandex, I think!!).

But on the other hand Wonder woman is hot.

This is just one of the random things that would pop up in his head, which were actually mostly only three food, sex and Mc Donald's and sometimes where is the nearest Mc Donald's.

He'd say hmmmm a lot coz nofing wud come up in his brain. He thought all the people were stupid, coz he couldn't understand most of the things they'd say.

Well a tragedy fell on him when he was in 7th grade, when he asked his science teacher about " what's inside an electron?" DUHH!! said teacher. "what a stupid question", where is your brain?" DON"T YOU SEE IT'S NOT A PART OF THE SYLLABUS".

Later in his college years he asked " What is love?" to the psychology professor. he replied " What is love? baby dont hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!, nod your head side ways!" (WHAT!! It was a hit back in 1993).

He wanted a girl friend. But who would hang out with him, coz his pick-up line was "come on baby, light my fire". So he turned GOTH. 

He thought, this might be cool. I'll shave my eyebrows, put on black lipstick, paste my face white like a ghost, girls will DIGG it if they don't dig it.


Or may be put on hair extentions with black mascara and black eye shade with a lab rat as a pet.

Well it did work for him, now all he had to do was make a face to get good grades. 

The Goth's didn't accept him, they said you are a disgrace, you can't stop smiling, Goth's don't smile. He got hate mails from Ozzy and Marlyn. He wanted to reply them, but he couldn't tell whether to refer Marilyn as Mr. or Miss, didn't want to hurt sentiments, so he decided to "Mansion not" about sexuality of people who look weird.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Crikey Aussies

I miss my friends, It's been almost 5 years now since we all parted and got on with our lives.

Prologue (or whatever it is called)

What I am about to write is absolutely unbelievable, but my friends and I walked the extraordinary path. Lunatic all of us. They are the memories that I reminiscence when I am sad. My grandfather used to say this.. make beautiful memories every day coz those would be the only thing left with you to look back at. Don't be ordinary, become a legend that your grandchildren can talk about.

The first thing I wanted to do was get this stereotyping of being IT genius off my back. I wanted to show that I am a person and I represent me, not India not Australia, not any religion I hate representing things that have rules of conduct. Have you noticed that, nobody actually tries to know you, they just initially assume your stereotypical image. I belong to no where, I only belong to good people, who like to laugh and want to know me as a person.

Australians are fun to be with, they smile all the time, very down to earth ( I have come across very few people who actually were arrogant, out of the arrogant people most of them were not Australians). Live with it, this is what I observed.

I remember my friend Ben, he is a freaking area manager for Coles, not arrogant a bit about his achievements. Always laughing, learning Indian swear words, that he used loudly. (BTW, no I never worked at  7/11,Kmart or Coles or anywhere where I'd be sterotyped). We just met at Starbucks once, coz we both came to same place for coffee.

I used to work at Connex South trans (transport), they used to have this huge yard where they park their buses. And they rent out the parking space to other operators too. One night I saw this man trying to clean his Coach in the wash bay with a tiny brush. I offered him help, coz he was not going to make it with that thing, and boy after we finished I realized that he was the owner of the company. Not a single drop of arrogance, he could have hired some one to do it, but he wanted to show that all his staff members are equal (although there was no one around), if they do it so will he. What amazed me the most that he remembered me after months. This is their website Australia wide and if you go to the website the blue bus on the lower right hand corner is what he was cleaning. He said that this one cost him millions, and won't allow any one in with their shoes on!! Russell Crowe's been there, the one who chucks phones and punches at people.

There are 100 others that touched my life. I could keep writing all day about them, even though they were millionaires, they'd hang out with people like me! who are almost no one! That is what a man should be like, according to me.

These kind of people make this earth a bearable place to live. This is the reason why we are all not dead yet, it's the good people who keep pouring life to this planet.

I got 14 people that I hang out with, and they are absolutely full of life, it's like non stop fun 24/7.

These people are my mentors and I'd like to be like them. I am hoping they are all in good health.

Having these people touch my life is my greatest achievement ever. I can't put any more emphasis on it. I am what my friends made me.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Stress relief

These are some ways of stress relief that has worked for me:

  1. Joe goes fishing when stressed, 150 kms away from anywhere...I call this place whoop whoop land (Coined by one of my friend meaning far away from anywhere). 
  2. Go to Penrith club and shoot golf balls. All you have to do for better swing is think about the person/problem you hate the most, attach a swear word to it, and then Bob's your uncle.
  3. Go to blue mountains and throw stones down the gorge.
  4. Take an extremely cold shower.
  5. Get stoned and then watch golf, or the weather channel.
  6. If the bank balance provides, go to snowy mountains, 1000 kms away. Just buy a water bottle there and say fuck it, lets go back!! (have done this!).
  7. MY FAVORITE: pick up witches hats  on the way back also pick up sign boards. (it's illigal stealing) 
  8. Beat the shit out of rented car.
  9. Go fishing on an icy cold day in pajamas.
  10. Go to blue mountains again (2ice in one day just eat fish and chips and come back).
  11. I love explaining about Chaos theory, Game theory, V-tech (my favorite) to the one with bad breath, so that he/she falls asleep and never bothers me again without flossing properly. Bore some one you'd love that.
  12. Talk to Eddie and go for a drive singing the road rage song.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Eddie's philosophy

I have a friend called Eddie he is my work partner.for some reason he calls me Josephine , i asked him many times why...he says I look at you and Josephine comes to my mind. Must be the beard I have. I googled it and found one Josephine Baker. Not even if you are fully stoned I'd look like this Créole Goddess. I couldn't make out whether he was insulting her or me!![..]

Josephine" is" a beautiful woman, back in around 1927, bold, sexy and very powerful. Here's her wiki Josephine Baker [..]

Initially he used to hate my guts, but later the kick boxer softened  up a lot. We used to drive around a lot and when Eddie drives, he drives with vengeance. He drives with a running commentary and shit load of swear words. So we decided  to make a road rage song to sing while driving. I cant write that song here, coz there are car parts and human parts anatomically  interwoven in  impossible ways, and some one of a kind swear words.   We sing this song to all those who got their licence God knows how obviously finishing up with the finger of impunity.

Well we did this to save the car, coz he'd kill it. So every day while driving Eddie starts singing the rode rage song and swearing at bad drivers.

Eddy is very funny guy, his humour style is one of a kind, this is one of the things he'd say:

Eddy: You know...sometimes..some thoughts are so deep... ( I thought this is going to be heavy... he gave a big pause)

Eddy: Like when you are about to fart .... you think will this be a wet one? will it leave a skid mark?!!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

ME funny name

I absolutely understand how hard it is to pronounce Indian name is no different...these are the various ways my name has been pronounced, It's really funny...what's in the name after all.

My name is Sanjog pronounced San as in San-Diego, and "o" in jog as in oog. But 

My name makes me part of many cultures across the world I even belong to the Si-Fi zone, so I categorized my name the way they have been pronounced. 

Star Wars:
The Lebanese friends of mine pronounce my name as San duku...great.. the great great grand son of Count Duku. May the force be with you (when you are constipated!). Also San-duk (it means trunk in Arabic)...I say "ha ha ha ha...funny...I talk you after!

Some people at my work place call me Sanit-George (San george---sanjog), the dragon slayer...that makes me patron saint of the English and the Russians and many other.

Beach lover:
My bank (Westpac) calls me Sand-jog... so while you are jogging on the beach think about me...always with you.

Other variants:
Many of my bills have my name printed wrong...I am also San Jose according to Optus (network carrier). Also SAN JOE... I kept that one. St. Joe self proclaimed saint.

No I don't feel bad about it...It's actually funny to watch people pronounce my name..It makes em very uncomfortable...I just laugh and say, hey...what's in the name after call me Saint Joe.

Thursday, October 29, 2009



Wednesday, October 21, 2009

best of Douglas Adams- my favorite authour

Mostly Harmless

A man invents an aorist rod to mine energy from the past, and within a year tracts of the past were being fully drained. Those who complained were accused of an "extremely expensive form of sentimentality", as the past was a cheap, clean and plentiful source of energy. Anyone who said "draining the past impoverished the present" was told to "keep a sense of proportion".

Only when the people realised that the "selfish plundering wastrel bastards up in the future" were doing the same thing to their era were aorist rods banned. "They claimed it was for the sake of their grandparents and grandchildren, but it was of course for the sake of their grandparent's grandchildren, and their grandchildren's grandparents."

Palaces in the Galaxies

Bethselamin is a fabulously beautiful planet which attracts billions of tourists each year. Unsurprisingly, erosion is a primary concern of the local authorities. Their solution is to remove any net imbalance between the amount of matter eaten and the amount subsequently excreted through amputation surgery. Thus it is vitally important to get a receipt after every trip to the lavatory while on the planet.

Eadrax, home to the main administrative hub of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division, which now covers the major landmasses of three medium-sized planets. Eadrax is home to the Complaints Division spaceport, and originally home to the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division motto, "SHARE AND ENJOY", which stood in 3-mile-high letters above the main office block, before it fell through said office block and into the ground. Only the top halves of the letters are now visible, and appear to read, in the local language, "Go Stick Your Head in a Pig".

Important terms invented by Douglas Adams

Shoe Event Horizon

The foundation of the Shoe Event Horizon theory is that when depressed, people tend to look down, and when they look down, they see their shoes. To cheer themselves up, they might buy themselves a new pair. Thus, in a generally depressed society, demand for shoes will rise.

In the critical condition, demand for shoes rises faster than the capacity to make good quality footwear. As shoe quality decreases, the demand increases further because shoes wear out faster and need to be replaced more often; as the demand for shoes increases, cheap mass production causes shoe quality to drop even more. What results is a spiral of increasing shoe demand and decreasing shoe quality. Eventually, this destabilises the economy to the point where it is "no longer economically viable to build anything other than shoe shops", and planetary society collapses.

Adams had gone to London's Oxford Street where, quoting him, "You can't throw a brick without breaking a shoe shop window". Despite every shop stocking thousands of shoes, none had a pair which was the right size, price, or colour, or which was comfortable, durable or stylish without being outrageous.

People invented by Douglas


Gargravarr, the disembodied mind and custodian of the Total Perspective Vortex on Frogstar World B ("the most totally evil place in the galaxy"), suffers from real-life dualism and is therefore having trial separation with his body, which has taken his forename Pizpot. The dispute arose over whether sex is better than fishing or not, a disastrous attempt at combining the two activities, and his body going out partying too late


"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing". "But," says man, "The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. "Oh, dear I hadn't thought of that" said God before disappearing in a puff of logic.


"Ode To A Small Lump Of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning"

Putty. Putty. Putty.
Green Putty - Grutty Peen.
Grarmpitutty - Morning!
Pridsummer - Grorning Utty!
Discovery..... Oh.
Putty?..... Armpit?
Armpit..... Putty.
Not even a particularly
Nice shade of green.

Zen And The Art Of Going To The Lavatory
Relax mind
Relax body
Relax bowels
Do not fall over.
You are a cloud.
You are raining.
Do not rain
While train Is standing at a station.
Move with the wind.
Apologise where necessary.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

IT trouble shooting

At my job I was told to monitor the network and check on people stuffing it. So my sniffer is working and I see lines of network jargon moving upwards.

I saw a spike, checked it some one was visiting pornsite, and you know that once you have seen a naked lady you want to see all of em.

I found that there was this student sitting in one of the labs on a corner computer,
he was sitting low on his seat, like those street racers with his back towards a glass wall, that was really stupid coz anyone passing by could see what he was doing.

So I stood behind the glass wall, saw what he was doing. I thought of letting it go, but my boss came around too. I told my boss I'll handle this .... he is just doing what a Man does.

I went to this bloke, and here is the conversation:

ME : Hey buddy, How are ya doing?

Him : I am doing great (puts his bag on his "stiffy")

ME : Good, good, so you'r doing your assignments..right?

Him : Yeah, shit load of stuff.

ME : Yeah, tell me about it, much bucks have you got on you?

Him : ...may be around $200?Why?


HIM : What? (It dawned on him)..oh ...(ALt+F4....ALT+F4)

ME: That one is really cute...but she dont belong to the UNIVERSITY LABS.

I bet his penis did a 360.

ME : Randwick Pizza hut, how may I help you?

Janet from the library : My coffee holder isn't working anymore..JOE

ME : Janet that's your CD player (drive), stop using it to hold your coffee cup!!

Apparently she received an email from me with a link saying "free coffee cup holder", when she pressed it, out came the CD drive.


Roslyn form the PR : hi Joe, Every time I turn on my radio my computer turns off.

Me : Ok, I'll come up and fix it.

When I went to her office I found that she was running a toster, kettle,Radio, printer, computer, monitor and heater from the same wall socket. She had used so many extentions that it looked like a mini nuclear reactor power station.


Peter, my boss : " Pick up the phone, Joe"

ME : "hello, Joe here"

Cathy from the Marketing department: " Can I speak to Peter please"

(I turned to my boss and I wispered him its Cathy...My boss (a Marist brother) took few steps back and made a cross with his index fingers, and wispered " KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME"

me : OK....Cathy... Peter's not here right now...Is there anything I can do?

Cathy : yeah...I got a software to install on my pc which Peter gave me...but I am not able to install it. It asks me to press "any" key on the keyboard, but I can't find it.

Me : Oh, I understand, no problems Cathy...I'll get it fixed... can you give me 15 mins...I'll be there in your office.

Cathy : Ok...Thanx joe.

So I went to HarrisTechnology with Peter, bought an "any" key. Went to Cathy's office and replaced F12 with "ANY" key.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Thank you Optus

The year is 2001.

I was just sitting in the lecture hall with my friends. The hall had about 30 students in it. There was this nice girl sitting next to me, texting away on her mobile. Her batteries were about to go flat.

She looked around and later she decided to ask me if she could borrow my mobile for few minutes.

She took my mobile, turned it off, switched the sim cards and restarted it.

When the phone came back to life, she smiled...and grinned and then started laughing. She is a very good friend of mine now.

Well, let me explain it..... you remember that old Nokia model 8250, pretty little phone, with blue back light. ( I want one of those back!!)

I changed the name of my general profile to " my bitch" (pardon my French) and my carrier logo was "Yes Optus"

So it reads "Yes my bitch". Just because I was angry about the "flag fall" charges.

So that pretty lady, with a million dollar smile, is my friend ( It could have gone further...but she had a nice boyfriend already!! All the nice girls are spoken for!!)

I frankly told her that...she's got to put me on the waiting list! Later I found that the list was quite long. Well! It was a good try, but the wrong girl.

I was introduced to her boyfriend later, the man was really a nice dude (lucky too!!)

This incident gave me a hope, that a nerd like me have a chance. I told her what I thought , and I was relieved. I understood that I got to consider a girl as a person first....and not an object of desire, respect her decisions and give her space.

I set things straight instead of keeping it in mind, and she respectfully denied my proposal, but I felt good. She smiled and got me introduced to one of her nice friends later.

So thank you Optus, you made my day.

Monday, October 5, 2009

be nice get slapped

I got slapped today by an old man. Do you know why? because I tried to be nice to him.

I have never been slapped ever by any one as a matter of fact there has never been time in my life that I had to fight with someone.

This old man must be holding a higher post at his job and was very arrogant, obnoxious and absolutely rude. He had his daughter admitted in the nursing home above my office.

He must have got into the elevator to get off on 4th floor. I was waiting for the elevator on the third floor. I pressed the call button. Unfortunately for the old man, the elevator went up, and started descending down, I think he did not open the door on time.

So the elevator stopped on the third floor, I got in, I realised that he was suppose to go on the 4th floor, so i told him to get off on the third floor or else he'd have to travel down and then back up.

He just exploded when I said this, he blamed me for "forcing " the elevator not to stop on his floor, and as we exchanged words, he just slapped me. I had to get the security to force him out of the building.

Can you believe this, I mean I understand the meaning of "No good deed gets unpunished" but damn. I realised that I just needed to shut up. Not going to do any more community services no more. Next time some one might just kill me for suggesting something helpful.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Chronicles of memories

I am what my friends made me. I dedicate my success to all my friends back in Australia who straightened me out and made a real person out of me.

I am sitting in the car with four of my friends. I was sitting in the front seat with Ahmed who introduced me to his other friends. Well I was the newbie among them, and I was to be tested to see whether I "fit" them or not. It was about earning respect I guess.

So one of the blokes,Vince looked at me, noded his head and said " Bro you are really ugly! girls don't like ugly people"

I looked at Ahmed and then I looked into the vanity mirror, I turned back to Ahmed and asked " Bro am I uglier than him?",

Ahmed noded too, he replied " I am sorry to say this Sanju, but yes, you are"

I said " Shit, If I am uglier than him, I got to admit it , I am really ugly"

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The pick-up song

The year is 2000, Moses invited me to accompany him to his Church, The Christian Science Church. This was his first day, a bit unnerving for both of us.

Moses was all dressed up for the Sunday mass, I was just wearing T and jeans.

The church was huge. We went inside this great hall, and it being Sunday, the Church was packed. Moses insisted we sit on the last row to avoid attention. He thought we'd make it and out...go unnoticed. We were the only Indians in this huge congression.

The Sunday mass started. The wireless microphone started making rounds of the "newbies" as I suspected, and yes our turn came and yes Moses froze. I panicked too, so instead of keeping my cool I started nudging Moses with my elbow, I said " Start with your name ". I had a strong urge of calling him "NAME" but I refrained, thought it would be inappropriate considering where I was.

I was looking at Moses's face, his face had turned pale but his ears and nose were shades of red, but eventually he eased and spoke about himself. I was alright coz I'd had some experience speaking in public. I told'em how happy I was to be among them and that they radiated warm friendly feelings which put us at ease. They all smiled and few were in awe as I spoke without an accent. It's working I thought, "The communication skills" after all I paid $2500 for that subject (Ah, the cheap Indian spoke).

We stood up and sang then We sat down and listened, apparently we did that a few many times . While in the midst of this I suddenly realized that people were looking at us. The mass ended, and by God amazing thing happened, every one came and congratulated us for our singing abilities.

After all the hand-shakes, an old woman approached to us and said " you'd make a good Tenor, after some voice training...By the way these two beautiful ladies are my grand children.....Gracy and Stella".

Monday, September 7, 2009

I am a coward bystander

I read the Times of India today and it says that you are not supposed to hold your girl-friends hands in public this Navratri. It will be considered as public display of affection and they will call your parents. The cops will play the moral police.

So if you are around 30 and you go out with your wife, and if for any GOD forsaken reason you hold her hand , they will call your parents, WHAT A F^&$@Ng joke. So from now onwards with my license I'd have to carry a marriage certificate too.


1. STAY AWAY FROM DARK CORNERS. IF YOU LOVE YOUR DEAR, AND YOU WANT TO SHOW IT, DO IT IN PRIVATE. There are people in this town who didn't get proper sex education, so they can't differentiate between expression of love and vulgarity. So have mercy on their pea brain. We are more smarter, so we'd understand.







I am absolutely flabbergasted. It would be F$%@&$! pun of the century I guess, that probably is an understatement too. The "cops" think that people don't know what they do. Lets do a little bit of reality check.

I live in Ahmedabad. There is mind blowing property owned by the Police in Shahibaug area, right next to the river front. What is it used for? TAKE A GOD DAMN FREAKING GUESS. The IAS officers, the IPS officers get together and do their rave parties there. I mean its not a FUN party, it is grotesque twisted most perverted thing that even a psychologically insane person would look like an angel. For GOD's sake they are protectors of people.

Couple of months back somethings got stolen from the building, which belonged to "one of the influential person" in our office building, that guy owns a restaurant. Do you know what was stolen, plactic chairs. Now the night watchman was blamed for what happened, totally understandable. I mean he is the watchman. That's what we pay him for. I thought that may be he would have been fined, or fired as the last resort, it was just god damn plastic chairs.

Well an FIR was filed against him by this restaurant owner. Obviously plastic chairs can't be that valid reason for some one to get imprisoned. So as this person "knew" the police, they added many other things stolen in the FIR. The cops came, beat him up right in the middle of road, no questions asked. They took him to the police station for interogation later. The watchman's thighs are swolen, he cant sit properly coz they made him do a half squat and one by one many cops rained battons on his thighs.

Do you know how old this watchman is, he is 17. Later he told me that he was very scared at the police station coz at around mid-night the cops got their booz out. They started drinking. He knew that, they will beat him up sense-less if something does not happen soon. Well something did happen. The cops that night had caught a bootleger woman, probably, there is where they got their booz from. May be she was not able to pay the "security money". The watchman told me that all the cops raped that woman that night one by one in the adjacent cell. She screamed all night.

The kid was scared witless, you can imagine yourself how horrible it would have been to be there.

Ok one more revelation, I have seen cops take bribe, I've seen them sell booz. I can't do anything why, coz I am scared shitless. I am not a fighter, I've never even hurt a fly in my whole bleedy life. But I am sad, I do have remorse of the fact that I can't do anything. May be I can go through legal channels, Who am I kidding? Can I?

Who will control the licensed thugs like these. How can you stop people who have unlimited power. Can we?

I know that I will go to hell, but I do feel like I am in one any way. Watching all this all around me. It is killing me, my heart screams, cried and bleeds, I feel like something is smothering my heart. I get angry, frustrated, I am depressed, I feel absolutely helpless. I say sorry to myself everyday, I am ashamed of myself I am one more coward bystander.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

invention of zee "stupid talk"

me: hey jobless
its shirtless jobless heere
vinode90: lol :P
me: insignificantly attractive attributes contradiction
vinode90: and whats that in engliush? :P
me: no its stupid; i invented it
it sounds like its great; but really its dumb
vinode90: then its not english :P
me: its written in english
u try ur hand at it
vinode90: but my hands will get unclean :(
me: u have to say my ambidextrocity will be accutated to no point of return resulting in dermatities
vinode90: er....(scratches head)
me: i have to post this

Thursday, May 28, 2009

the president Obama chat

You: i am looking for president obama
Stranger: thats me
You: great
You: so howz life
Stranger: its ur lucky day
Stranger: lifes hectic
You: certainly iz
Stranger: but good
You: great
You: howz the pooch doing
Stranger: the american ppl have realized that it takes a long time for theses crises to end
You: i hope he doesnt mess up the white house carpet
Stranger: the pooch is doin great, tahnks
You: u opened up the Swiss bank account yet
Stranger: hah, even if he does, this is the white house, son,we get new rugs super faast
You: ofcourse
Stranger: and why would i tell youthat
Stranger: you have red too many novels, son
Stranger: *read
You: nah
You: just a GAS
You: oh oh
You: i know the american style
You: probabaly we can shoot the pooch with bazooka

Friday, May 15, 2009


things that i hate if it happens to me: (it already has, and keeps happening)

  1. when some one farts (nasty winds) when the take-off is delayed.
  2. Sitting in warm and wet seats, they are wet coz someone has been sweating a lot.
  3. When they clean the plane from inside while you are still sitting.
  4. when you want to go to toilet, the plane goes through turbulance.
  5. you get to watch the movie that you have already seen 20 times. ( thank god to LCDs it does not happen any more).
  6. AND your ear phones don't work, Oh and you also find out that it is actually the earphone socket in you seat that doesn't work. I have watched a mute movie, and it was HINDI and since then, that is how i watch them. It's really funny when people are gyrating their pelvic and no music is playing. Try it someday.
  7. I get the Isle seat, so that every one bumps with my elbow, which i can't keep in coz the seats are too small, and the person next to me is using the armrest that is common to us.
  8. the safety lecture, I SAY GET ON WITH IT, even if we do know, we still die, no one lives if we fall from 30,000 feet. what am i suppose to do, get to the nearest exit and jump.
  9. WHY ARE THERE NO PARACHUTES UNDER THE SEATS. instead we have the standard, life jacket. Actually it must be FREAKING amazing, coz you land on your ARSE not any other way. WHAT IF there is no water ???. Does the life jacket turn into a parachute. OH and ofcorse you have to inflate it YOURSELF while your lungs have collapsed due to fear.
  10. YES i prefer walking.
  11. YES i prefer death.
  12. NO, I HATE AIR INDIA. sorry no offence ment, but they REALLY SUCK.


life without internet since Monday

The great BSNL died on Monday. Thats MTNL for other states.
I rang them, I am scared of calling BSNL customer service, those people are scary.
I think they always have bad days.

Well in Gujarat we got 1597 for complaining about the Internet. It's always busy. You need a phone that keeps calling them till you get the ring ring sound.
I got connected after two hours of try.
I have to be pretty quick with what I have to say coz the phone disconnects itself in 1 min, and they hardly ever call back, unless you mention you "UNCLE, FATHER or ANY other RELATIVE" who knows someone important or is related to some one working in BSNL.

me: " My number is 23290568.[stop] , internet is down [stop], wht's the problem [stop] "

I talk like the old TELEGRAPH SYSTEM, keep it short, or the line will short.

customer care : " yes , it's down, thanks for letting us know, even though we know that already "

.......teeent.... teeent.. GREAT. the line cuts off.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

My best friend Moses

There he was standing in the computer lab, one of the only 2 Indians who took that subject, Computer Fundamentals. Now , how can an Indian be not good at Computers. Moses is good at computers, but he wanted to show off his skills.

25 pcs in the lab, some as old as my grandfather, i pulled them apart and put them back together and then pulled them apart again for the students to perform their tutorial. I neatly put the spare-parts of each pc in separate cardboard boxes, with the name of each student on it, Moses picked it up and put his card board box on his working desk, poised, confidant.

After 10 mins into the practical i was summoned, there I met Moses, his face lit up as soon as he saw me. "LOOK I FOUND AN INDIAN, AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE WONLY ONE!!". After few weeks he became my good friend.

The Wierd Moses:

I am Hindu and he is Christian, he was new in Sydney, so we went out one Sunday and found out his Church. He asked my to give him company on the first day.

The Church was huge, as soon as we entered the Church the pastor gave us the mike to introduce ourselves, silence, Moses got the Hibbi Gibbies, so I took the mike, to stop the embaressment and introduced overselves. he was wondering " what do i do with my hand" like the movie Talladega nights. His stupor was mind blowing.

After the Church we went to Starbucks, (here the wierdness started). I ordered a flat white, Moses ordered " Herbal Coffee", which they don't serve. here goes the conversation:
Moses : " I want herbal coffee"
shop assistant : " we serve herbal tea sir, if thats what you mean" (she meant: "funny hahaha")
Moses : " no no, I want herbal coffee"
shop assistant : " we dont have that in our menu, you may choose any other from the 300 flavours we serve, how about a herbal tea"
Moses : " nope, herbal coffee"
shop assistant : " sir we cant do that"
Moses : " Ok let me come inside, i will make it myself"
shop assistant : " Sir....." I cut her out
me : " Just give him a capucchino, he is new here"

That woman kept staring at us all the way, till we finished the coffee, and Moses got his herbal Coffee, he dropped two Butter Menthol in it.

Dont ask me, IT TASTES HORRIBLE. Nestle would say NO NO NO...dont do this to our product.

So this is the list of his wierdness
  • He puts butter menthol in his coffee
  • He dries himself with a hair drier after bath, doesn't use a towel, takes him 1 hour to dry.
  • He uses his train pass on the last day by exiting and entering the magnetic gates, till its 12 am when the pass expires. He wanted to do that just to check. he got caught doing that, got a fine. Moses sued the railway ppl and won the case.
  • He puts coke in his rice.
  • He ate his dinner once for 5 hours, I am not kidding, he started at 9:30 and finished at 3:30 am. (DON'T ASK ME HOW).
  • He is the only guy I ever knew who gets into a supermarket and stays inside for 3 hours. I vowed never to go shopping with Moses.
  • He gives headaches to he Chinese people. They hate Moses.
  • He carries 2 spoons , a fork, ketchup, sugar and salt sachets in his bag, with paper napkins that he collects from every McDonald's we go.
  • He also carries a pair of pants and shirt, just in case.
  • Oh also the soap, and moisturizing cream, and sun tan lotion and sunscreen lotion. (I don't know why he carries a sun tan lotion!!!!!)
  • He smokes the ciggies the other way around, he says he needs to filter the air first.
  • He fills up bourbon and coke in separate glasses and sips from both glasses at the same time.
  • He has mixed a coke, fanta, sprite in one, and drank it.
  • He goes to the beach at 12 AM at night for a swim and only in winters.
  • He also tried to get Armani and Tommy Hilfiger perfumes mixed, coz he liked both.
  • He got an Armani suit for $5000 and he was not the first one to wear it.
  • He asks for a hot coke when we go for lunch at Oporto.
  • He puts the coke in microwave to make it worm, he says cold coke hurts his throat.
The Great Moses:
  • My best friend, my mentor, my family in the foreign land.
  • Never forgot my birthday.
  • We went through all kind of shit together, never left my side ever.
  • His conviction, determination and dedication to finish what he started, amazes me, I have read about such things only in autobiographies of great men of these world.
  • I bet that no one , I mean no one can match his mental capacity to bear the brunts of life.
  • The man is a machine, he used to three jobs at the same time and studied at two universities at the same time.
  • His name reflects his personality without any doubts.
  • He always keeps his promises, no matter what he looses in return.
  • He helps everyone who asks for help, If he can't, he will find someone who can.
Moses sometimes has stayed awake for a week without sleeping, when he made up his mind, he did it.

He used to take-up other people's shifts so that they don't loose their jobs and so that they won't miss University.

He would empty all his savings for you, if you show him that your conviction is genuine.




Friday, May 8, 2009

MY fight with Office Babu

So I went to get my families medical "thingy" to get transfered from Bombay to Ahmadabad.

I went in the office and submitted the paper which my father gave me (FLASH BACK: Son don't loose it, this is the only one paper, make sure u get it in the right hands). So i took the paper back got it photocopied and gave the copy to the BABU.

The Babu promised the work to be done in jiffy, well coz i was talking to him in the Lecter Hannibal tone, smooth as possible laced with all the buttering words there could be. He made an entry in the register. I asked him, " What do i have to do next?", "NUTTHING, YEVRY THING IS A1", came the prompt reply.

15 days gone, (well if everything was going to be ok, I would'nt be writting this). My mom went to dispensary and found that our names were not registered in the system AGAIN. So I was called on to finish the task of fixing the debacle and so i went back to the office, guess what the babu has been transfered, "GREAT" so i caught hold of another one. I gave him the numbers and he punched it in the pc and nothing came up. He looked at me and said " NOT IN THE SYSTEM". I said "ok, then put us in the system, what is the procedure?"
He told me the procedure and I confirmed that I had already done that 15 days ago.
Here goes the conversation:

Babu Hindustani: " You have to submit the paper from the head office"
me: " I already did that 15 days ago"
Babu Hindustani: " It's not here, you have not submitted it"
me: " here is the copy of the paper"
Babu hindustani: " this won't do, I need original"
me: " I already submited the original 15 days ago"
Babu Hindustani: " It's not here, you have not submitted it"
me: " here is the copy of the paper"
Babu Hindustani: " this is not original, I need original"
me: " it is a fax copy"
Babu Hindustani: " You have to submit the original"
me: " I already did that 15 days ago"

I did this for another 45 mins, and after running around the tree I got dizzy. It reminded me of Merry-go-Round and round and round.

The babu Hindustani was relentless, he has such a practice and mastery of "NOT YEILDING" that my eyes brimmed with tears, I found my guru," teach me, this great art of yours, master, take me as your deciple"

me: " Ok , before we go for the next round, lets take another route"

me: " Take this copy and do your thing, coz its a fax and I don't think it matters whether it's a copy or not as long as its got those numbers on the top of the page"

Babu Hindustani: " No sir, Can't do, the procedure demands for the original fax"

me:" definately sir, you are right sir, but i am sure that the last person here before you did an entry in the register, If its not so much trouble, would you please please (" IN THE NAME OF ALL THE 36,00,000,000 Deities") check it."

Babu Hindustani: " your papers are not here" pointing at a pile of files " It should be in there, it's not there"

Now I lost my cool, this goddamn good for nothing, imbecil, doesnt even give me an option of how to fix the goddamn problem.

me: " well i did submit the paper 15 days ago"

Babu hindustani: " You didn't, If you had it would have been here"

me: " Are you trying to say that I am lying"

Babu hindustani: " It's not here and you have not submitted it"

me: " I have , and you have lost the bloody paper"

Babu hindustani: " What Bloody, Bloody are you talking, go learn some manners, who taught you to talk like this"

me: " I said bloody papers, not Mother F%^#$, don't you dare start a fight with me"

Babu hindustani: (raising his voice) " I am done with you, what bloody bloody are you talking"

His blood pressure was rising, and he squealed as his pitch went high. I could'nt stop myself, I started laughing out loud. I wish i could record the way he spoke.

This made the babu real mad, his Chameli Ka Tel Chappat hair-style went all disheveled. he stood up from his chair and started throwing tantrums.

I left the office, called one of my relatives, who knew some one important, and that important person knew the babu's superior. and after a few phone calls by me, the Babu Hindustani got the phone call. I was summoned back in the office.

Babu Hindustani: (still on the phone) " definately sir, ofcourse sir, no problems sir, only 5 minuits sir, yes sir, no no sir, ofcourse not sir, yes sir, ok sir, thank you sir"

Babu hindustani: " Why did you call the GM for?"

me: " I wanted to get the work done"

Babu Hindustani: " Why couldn't you tell me that you are Mr. Pandya's son"

me: " what if i was an ordinary person's son?, and If you could read , check the paper I gave you, my dad's name is written on it!!"

well at last after 2 hours of head ache, he did finish his work.

but what it over yet? can it be over yet? OFCOURSE NOT

He made my sister a man, my grandmother my mother.

so my granmother is now 40 years old and my mother is 75, and my sister is a guy.


I didn't have the heart to go to that office again, I asked my dad to take a day off and fix it himself.

Oh man, who gives these people job, some one can die just going through this bureaucracy.

To get officially approved work done I had to put pressure on him. I can't fathom what a little man has to go through.


Monday, May 4, 2009

The Air Port Blues Part 1

I read my friends blog about how he enjoyed his air-port-to-home adventure and that how he did not get furious about the troubles he had, coz ofcourse he was going home, the best feeling ever. Inspired by him I too thought of writing about my air-port-to-home funny adventure.

From now on I will refer to Airport-to-home as A2H.

You know I find it hard to recall any anecdotes that I can compare my A2H adventure. I believe it's like how your doctor tickles you, you burst out in a laughter and then suddenly he jabs you with his syring, then you are not laughing anymore, but somehow its funny in a painful way.

So my journy started from Sydney International Airport. My best friend Moses accompnied me to bid-me-farewell. His enthusiasm was so emphatic that I started thinking about his intentions, it was like how you say bye bye to your uncle and his family that have been pestering you since a month. ( the cousin who would not leave the T.V alone and sleep on you bed and kills your computer).

So i thought of buying something for my family and friends, Moses and I entered this duty free perfume shop, (apparently you should not buy anything else from Australia, coz Australia is made in China). Moses is not an ordinary person, I might just have to write a chapter on him. After finishing off with almost empty pocket i left for the security check......And my hard-funny-venure started..... I went through the metal detector after emptying my pockets in a tray they gave me. RRRRIIINNNG (it actually sounded like bio-hazard siren) the lights started blinging and I was to start all over again, this time i removed my belt, RRRRRIINNGG again, so i removed my shoes..... RRRRIINGGG again, no i did not allow them to remove my pants. That security officer put my shoes and belt through the X-ray... nothing, searched every corner of my body....nothing there too.. actually there were all the things that a man has but only they are not security risk. Satisfied after frisking me, they figured that stupid metal detector was set to be too sensitive. With whatever dignity i had left i put my shoes on and my belt, tucked my shirt in and off we go for immigration check. There this CIA-looking person looked at me as if I was an alien, but he quickly recognised my face from the passport. I really wanted to talk about that attitude of his.

Anyways, i sat in my seat later expecting some pretty woman sitting next to me, which actually never it never happens. The seat remained empty, so i got to streach myself all the way to India.

I reached the Bombay air-port on time, went through immigration check, where the custom officer was asking for a bribe coz he saw the 500 dollars i was carrying. anyways i went through that ( i didnt give anyone anything, he forgot that I was born here), I was really flabberghasted about how they treat people. Well I was not worried about that coz i was too happy to be home.

So i waited for the connecting flight to my city.....Ahmadabad. I took THE AIR INDIA ( WARNING: dont be too cheap try State Transport buses, travelling in AIR INDIA can seriously leave scars on your soul). The air hostesses were so large that they had to walk side-ways to go through the isles, i am sure that one of them even had a moustach. They reminded me of nasty school teachers they show in hindi movies. No I am just kidding but I was really scared of them, they really looked intimidating.The weather was too turbulent and Ahmadabad was dark. Our plane kept circling the city for 2 hours, the pilot said that we might just have to go back, but some how we managed to land. LAND AGAIN, My backside was sore, i felt relived that ATLAST I GET TO GET OUT OF THIS PLANE.

I reached ahmedabad at 1:30 Am, and the air port was flooded with water. The feeling of home is incredible, overwhelming, I instantly I forgot all my woes. The smell of wet soil in the air soothing my soul, the drops of warm rain washing my worries away, incredible. I could not stop smiling, at some point i started laughing, people were looking but i didn't give a damn, actually some started laughing too. Its contagious this laughter. I actually made couple of friends with that laughter of mine at the air port, we were sharing our flight woes later.

Now to the funny part. The air-port was flooded and my luggege was all wet, I was not sure whether my playstation2 wud actually be intact. I was waiting for my luggage at the conveyour belt, guess what was the first thing that came out of the rubber blinds, A DOG, yes a dog on the conveyor belt, I guess he was doing his cardio, he kept moving forward but he would some how end up at the same place where he started. later he was trotting in the opposite direction, but he wasnt going anywhere. then the trouble started for him, the luggages started arriving, he saw this large oversized black duffle bag comming towards him, he jumped and he landed on the floor, he too seemed to be happy to be on the LAND again.

I saw couple of NRI's who were showing their kids....Look son A DOG in the international air port, and then the kid screamed in joy " LOOK daddy a pegion and it is doing a doodle on that seat", apparently he had never seen a pegion do doodle, in his life, NO thanks to NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC and DISCOVERY.

So I took my wet luggage outside to find that the rickshaws were on strike, but there was one. He offered his services and I obliged. I had to give him $15 to get to home, actually it costs around Rs.70. Man i missed the rikshaw ride. It does not have any suspension, so you kind of FEEL a lot, more with your aching backside.

But after a quick shower at home, with a cup of hot coffee in my hand i was standing in my balcony enjoying the rain, and i was laughing again thinking about my adventure. NOT KNOWING THERE WAS MORE TO COME WHEN I GO BACK TO AUSTRALIA.