Friday, November 27, 2009

Drunken Ninja friends, who are good at entertaining

That's how every one looks like after being 110% wasted. (she's pretty right!! she's got 2 pairs of everything).

DRUNK FRIEND: *HIC*, I am  Garfg, How did my pants Garfoof-me underwear, and WAAHYY are everyunce flaafling at me.

ME : I'll tell you as soon as I  unknot my stomach.

Ok, to make the short story long, here is how it started.

I don't drink much, I am a social drinker, mostly at dinner/lunch meetings discussing about what's going to be discussed in the next meeting and what color should the carpet be for better feng-shui.

As I work like a mule, I can't drink enough to speak zapalese. But me friends party hard, and 3 of my room-mates bring home 10 of their closest friends, and 15 more tag along as they are the closest friends of the 10 of the closest friends.

I was on night shift most of the week that month, one day after a Good Day's sleep I woke up in the evening having coffee with my 70 year old STUD Italian neighbour, who complained about THE party at my appartment. These are his exact words: "Joe, do you watch Discovery channel? Have you ever seen an animal stamped? Well, there was one going on in your appartment last night, and next time I'll call the RSPCA to get the monkeys into cage, get my drift?"

I said " ok , I'll make sure they invite you next time, lots of girls in there....Alright, don't give me the Don Vito Corleone look, I get it, the offer I can't fukin refuse, I'll tell them to keep it down"

So the Friday night came, and happy hour was in order, with 5 of my friends with 3 Jack Daniels , so that makes us 8. I decided not to drink, coz I had to go out next day early.

Well as expected, 4 of em got pissed,(The fifth element was me, DAZIUGNATED DRIFFEER designated driver in their language ). I mean you could run your car with their fart, F1 fuel.

I decided to take them away, to give thy neighours some rest. took em to Bondi beach. My friends and I were hungry so we decided to get some take-away from burger king (I love their Chicken grill burger). One of my friends knew the manager there, so he went inside to get the order, and meet his manager-friend.

4 of us waited outside, one of them went gaga. There were these 2 Lebanese guys approaching towards us. So our gaga friend stopped them:

GAGA                    : " Two guys, walking alone...enjoying yourself"

One of em            : " HA HA HA, good joke"

GAGA                   : (interrupts them) " No fucking girl friends huh, so  
                              fucking sad"
Both                    : " Airibi (something something in arabic), Vallah! I'll 
                              chop you head off" 

I explained and apologized, coz they had already called their 20 closest cousins. And 6 of their cousins....I knew, so I saved our arses.

Anyways, after eating, we headed back to car, when I suddenly realized  one of the GAGA was missing; Coz he was pissing; right next to a bus stop.

I had no idea what to do, "HOW CAN I STOP A MAN WHO IS PISSING ON PUBLIC PROPERTY",  so I did what I knew the best. I kicked his arse hard with my foot. with piss alover his pants and open fly, I dragged him towards the car.

AND no its not over yet GAGA no 2 went missing, he was taking to these German tourists; 2 men and a woman.


The good thing was that zeir English was poor YA, so they didn't catch the GARFF ya.

I had to restrain these people with seat-belts and climbing-rope I had in my boot. Got them home. 2 got passed out and 2 were about to.

Dragged them to the third floor one by one by their legs, their head's going duuf duuf on the carpeted stairs.

Threw them all in one room, one over the other, made one wear underwear on top of his pants , took a picture and went to sleep. ALL IN A GOOD DAYS WORK.

Next day, they all complained why their mouth tasted like carpet, and obvious extra head ache I gave them.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

This post contains the most hated phrases and sentences, ever , like it's so awesome

Every thing is so awesome and kwel, that it is killing me. It's like so annoying to like use like so many times in like a sentence that like I want to like just hit my head on the wall. mah head is hurting, reading awesome so many times and writing awesome so many times and typing mah instead of my on daily basis.

Basically, it is fairly unique that I have to like use awesome words and phrases to point out that this awesome paragraph contains all of the words most hated in the world literally. OMG I forgot the "", Its just fascinating, like how many times one has to do "" while talking about awesome things. "At the end of the day" and the beginning of new one, I personally think that at this moment and this time it's 12 Am in the morning and I am absolutely, let me be more emphatic, ABSOLUTELY 110% sure that I have added unnecessary commas, and " " quotes just for kicks.

I am like so annoyed by the the phrase "no issues" which ends many many awesome sentences, that I've counted 24 "no issues" while discussing awesome issues. Basically, I thought that "no issues" had to do something with not having any babies. OH MAH GAWD I forgot LoL's, I know 3 people who write LOL all the time, even when things are fucked up they write LOL... HA HA HA HA I gave you the wrong assignment dude LOL, "MAH BAD DUDE", now this particular person has never met anyone from Ghetto, or interacted with any trailer trash in like this whole wide awesome world, but We have to use the "lingo", "fer yer information, it's in mah email", and If I say "Damn internet", she says " stop using the "CUSS" word, my awesome guess is it means CURSE words, and I just wait for the "upcomming" LOLs, without any reason, HA HA HA HA HA nice work HA HA HA HA HA, LOL HA HA HA HA, I forgot to pay you HA HA HA, LOL.

I mean there are some awesome people who believe in "synergism" so much that they have to have synergy to take it to the next level, because everything is in "safe hands".

In India we Like speak "ONLY" for kicks. Like I am the ONLY one, I live here only (it's suppose to mean "I live here", that's all) , we have even added one of the awesome word that I personally hate the most "na", Why does every sentence have to have "na", I've heard awesome people speak " It's only one "na"" which is suppose to be " is it only one?" WHY MAKE STUPID QUESTIONS when I can just pitch my voice and add "na" to ask. Here is my question, which actually is not a question " You are ok, na", buddy. Now my enthu (short of enthusiasm ) is wearing off.

AT THE END OF THE DAY I hope to GAWD I gave you all a nice lovely awesome head ache, to like remember. I just put all the words that are most hated in this world and put em all like together to make an AWESOME post. I tell my self I shouldn't of done it, but I donno.

Actually If you search the internet for "most hated phrases" you will get like same awesome list copy pasted at like 20 places, GAWD DAMN screen crawlers.

Don;t ask what screen crawler means, just google it. I don't want to prove my nerdiness. LOL, HA HA HA HA HA.

I should stop now, coz like I donno but this awesome ness is getting to me.

This is hillarious Mad TV

This is for the porn star wannabes, its not adult just a spoof by Mad TV.

This is for the Lovers of Sex and the City

Desperate Stupor

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Telstra Customer service

Abu quit his job at Kwik-E mart Joins a call center

He joins a call center in Telstra and tells people to stop stuffing their phones with prawns.

He started getting better, and found that he could multi task

I just laughed my arse off

Monday, November 16, 2009

A spoof on life

This is the most idiotic and stupid story ever started, I m goona put my brain away and write it, but I want you people to complete it and add things to it that makes it more and more annoying, all the other tweetities and blogghorrea sufferers.

It's ok to be stupid sometimes, it's a stress relief. writing about smart and intelligent stuff makes you Socrates and writing parodies stuff makes you Russell Peters. tell me who is more famous and less boring.

Long long Ago, in a small town with small people, there was this guy called "Incasufindmybrain Postit2me", his first name is "INCASEUFINDMYBRAIN" and last name is "POSTIT2ME". Pronounced like "dumb-me-brain....(pause).... pust-it-thwo-me"

here is the side view of his brain structure:

He always wanted to be a superman, but he was scared about how his butt would look in the tight Spandex(®tm), but he thought that If he wore a cape it won't look that bad, maybe also add an underwear on top of pants to hide his assets and make it less objectionable . (that's the reason Superman wears a cape and undies on top of spandex, I think!!).

But on the other hand Wonder woman is hot.

This is just one of the random things that would pop up in his head, which were actually mostly only three food, sex and Mc Donald's and sometimes where is the nearest Mc Donald's.

He'd say hmmmm a lot coz nofing wud come up in his brain. He thought all the people were stupid, coz he couldn't understand most of the things they'd say.

Well a tragedy fell on him when he was in 7th grade, when he asked his science teacher about " what's inside an electron?" DUHH!! said teacher. "what a stupid question", where is your brain?" DON"T YOU SEE IT'S NOT A PART OF THE SYLLABUS".

Later in his college years he asked " What is love?" to the psychology professor. he replied " What is love? baby dont hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!, nod your head side ways!" (WHAT!! It was a hit back in 1993).

He wanted a girl friend. But who would hang out with him, coz his pick-up line was "come on baby, light my fire". So he turned GOTH. 

He thought, this might be cool. I'll shave my eyebrows, put on black lipstick, paste my face white like a ghost, girls will DIGG it if they don't dig it.


Or may be put on hair extentions with black mascara and black eye shade with a lab rat as a pet.

Well it did work for him, now all he had to do was make a face to get good grades. 

The Goth's didn't accept him, they said you are a disgrace, you can't stop smiling, Goth's don't smile. He got hate mails from Ozzy and Marlyn. He wanted to reply them, but he couldn't tell whether to refer Marilyn as Mr. or Miss, didn't want to hurt sentiments, so he decided to "Mansion not" about sexuality of people who look weird.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Crikey Aussies

I miss my friends, It's been almost 5 years now since we all parted and got on with our lives.

Prologue (or whatever it is called)

What I am about to write is absolutely unbelievable, but my friends and I walked the extraordinary path. Lunatic all of us. They are the memories that I reminiscence when I am sad. My grandfather used to say this.. make beautiful memories every day coz those would be the only thing left with you to look back at. Don't be ordinary, become a legend that your grandchildren can talk about.

The first thing I wanted to do was get this stereotyping of being IT genius off my back. I wanted to show that I am a person and I represent me, not India not Australia, not any religion I hate representing things that have rules of conduct. Have you noticed that, nobody actually tries to know you, they just initially assume your stereotypical image. I belong to no where, I only belong to good people, who like to laugh and want to know me as a person.

Australians are fun to be with, they smile all the time, very down to earth ( I have come across very few people who actually were arrogant, out of the arrogant people most of them were not Australians). Live with it, this is what I observed.

I remember my friend Ben, he is a freaking area manager for Coles, not arrogant a bit about his achievements. Always laughing, learning Indian swear words, that he used loudly. (BTW, no I never worked at  7/11,Kmart or Coles or anywhere where I'd be sterotyped). We just met at Starbucks once, coz we both came to same place for coffee.

I used to work at Connex South trans (transport), they used to have this huge yard where they park their buses. And they rent out the parking space to other operators too. One night I saw this man trying to clean his Coach in the wash bay with a tiny brush. I offered him help, coz he was not going to make it with that thing, and boy after we finished I realized that he was the owner of the company. Not a single drop of arrogance, he could have hired some one to do it, but he wanted to show that all his staff members are equal (although there was no one around), if they do it so will he. What amazed me the most that he remembered me after months. This is their website Australia wide and if you go to the website the blue bus on the lower right hand corner is what he was cleaning. He said that this one cost him millions, and won't allow any one in with their shoes on!! Russell Crowe's been there, the one who chucks phones and punches at people.

There are 100 others that touched my life. I could keep writing all day about them, even though they were millionaires, they'd hang out with people like me! who are almost no one! That is what a man should be like, according to me.

These kind of people make this earth a bearable place to live. This is the reason why we are all not dead yet, it's the good people who keep pouring life to this planet.

I got 14 people that I hang out with, and they are absolutely full of life, it's like non stop fun 24/7.

These people are my mentors and I'd like to be like them. I am hoping they are all in good health.

Having these people touch my life is my greatest achievement ever. I can't put any more emphasis on it. I am what my friends made me.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Stress relief

These are some ways of stress relief that has worked for me:

  1. Joe goes fishing when stressed, 150 kms away from anywhere...I call this place whoop whoop land (Coined by one of my friend meaning far away from anywhere). 
  2. Go to Penrith club and shoot golf balls. All you have to do for better swing is think about the person/problem you hate the most, attach a swear word to it, and then Bob's your uncle.
  3. Go to blue mountains and throw stones down the gorge.
  4. Take an extremely cold shower.
  5. Get stoned and then watch golf, or the weather channel.
  6. If the bank balance provides, go to snowy mountains, 1000 kms away. Just buy a water bottle there and say fuck it, lets go back!! (have done this!).
  7. MY FAVORITE: pick up witches hats  on the way back also pick up sign boards. (it's illigal stealing) 
  8. Beat the shit out of rented car.
  9. Go fishing on an icy cold day in pajamas.
  10. Go to blue mountains again (2ice in one day just eat fish and chips and come back).
  11. I love explaining about Chaos theory, Game theory, V-tech (my favorite) to the one with bad breath, so that he/she falls asleep and never bothers me again without flossing properly. Bore some one you'd love that.
  12. Talk to Eddie and go for a drive singing the road rage song.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Eddie's philosophy

I have a friend called Eddie he is my work partner.for some reason he calls me Josephine , i asked him many times why...he says I look at you and Josephine comes to my mind. Must be the beard I have. I googled it and found one Josephine Baker. Not even if you are fully stoned I'd look like this Créole Goddess. I couldn't make out whether he was insulting her or me!![..]

Josephine" is" a beautiful woman, back in around 1927, bold, sexy and very powerful. Here's her wiki Josephine Baker [..]

Initially he used to hate my guts, but later the kick boxer softened  up a lot. We used to drive around a lot and when Eddie drives, he drives with vengeance. He drives with a running commentary and shit load of swear words. So we decided  to make a road rage song to sing while driving. I cant write that song here, coz there are car parts and human parts anatomically  interwoven in  impossible ways, and some one of a kind swear words.   We sing this song to all those who got their licence God knows how obviously finishing up with the finger of impunity.

Well we did this to save the car, coz he'd kill it. So every day while driving Eddie starts singing the rode rage song and swearing at bad drivers.

Eddy is very funny guy, his humour style is one of a kind, this is one of the things he'd say:

Eddy: You know...sometimes..some thoughts are so deep... ( I thought this is going to be heavy... he gave a big pause)

Eddy: Like when you are about to fart .... you think will this be a wet one? will it leave a skid mark?!!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

ME funny name

I absolutely understand how hard it is to pronounce Indian name is no different...these are the various ways my name has been pronounced, It's really funny...what's in the name after all.

My name is Sanjog pronounced San as in San-Diego, and "o" in jog as in oog. But 

My name makes me part of many cultures across the world I even belong to the Si-Fi zone, so I categorized my name the way they have been pronounced. 

Star Wars:
The Lebanese friends of mine pronounce my name as San duku...great.. the great great grand son of Count Duku. May the force be with you (when you are constipated!). Also San-duk (it means trunk in Arabic)...I say "ha ha ha ha...funny...I talk you after!

Some people at my work place call me Sanit-George (San george---sanjog), the dragon slayer...that makes me patron saint of the English and the Russians and many other.

Beach lover:
My bank (Westpac) calls me Sand-jog... so while you are jogging on the beach think about me...always with you.

Other variants:
Many of my bills have my name printed wrong...I am also San Jose according to Optus (network carrier). Also SAN JOE... I kept that one. St. Joe self proclaimed saint.

No I don't feel bad about it...It's actually funny to watch people pronounce my name..It makes em very uncomfortable...I just laugh and say, hey...what's in the name after call me Saint Joe.