Wednesday, October 21, 2009

best of Douglas Adams- my favorite authour

Mostly Harmless

A man invents an aorist rod to mine energy from the past, and within a year tracts of the past were being fully drained. Those who complained were accused of an "extremely expensive form of sentimentality", as the past was a cheap, clean and plentiful source of energy. Anyone who said "draining the past impoverished the present" was told to "keep a sense of proportion".

Only when the people realised that the "selfish plundering wastrel bastards up in the future" were doing the same thing to their era were aorist rods banned. "They claimed it was for the sake of their grandparents and grandchildren, but it was of course for the sake of their grandparent's grandchildren, and their grandchildren's grandparents."

Palaces in the Galaxies

Bethselamin is a fabulously beautiful planet which attracts billions of tourists each year. Unsurprisingly, erosion is a primary concern of the local authorities. Their solution is to remove any net imbalance between the amount of matter eaten and the amount subsequently excreted through amputation surgery. Thus it is vitally important to get a receipt after every trip to the lavatory while on the planet.

Eadrax, home to the main administrative hub of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division, which now covers the major landmasses of three medium-sized planets. Eadrax is home to the Complaints Division spaceport, and originally home to the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division motto, "SHARE AND ENJOY", which stood in 3-mile-high letters above the main office block, before it fell through said office block and into the ground. Only the top halves of the letters are now visible, and appear to read, in the local language, "Go Stick Your Head in a Pig".

Important terms invented by Douglas Adams

Shoe Event Horizon

The foundation of the Shoe Event Horizon theory is that when depressed, people tend to look down, and when they look down, they see their shoes. To cheer themselves up, they might buy themselves a new pair. Thus, in a generally depressed society, demand for shoes will rise.

In the critical condition, demand for shoes rises faster than the capacity to make good quality footwear. As shoe quality decreases, the demand increases further because shoes wear out faster and need to be replaced more often; as the demand for shoes increases, cheap mass production causes shoe quality to drop even more. What results is a spiral of increasing shoe demand and decreasing shoe quality. Eventually, this destabilises the economy to the point where it is "no longer economically viable to build anything other than shoe shops", and planetary society collapses.

Adams had gone to London's Oxford Street where, quoting him, "You can't throw a brick without breaking a shoe shop window". Despite every shop stocking thousands of shoes, none had a pair which was the right size, price, or colour, or which was comfortable, durable or stylish without being outrageous.

People invented by Douglas

Gargravarr

Gargravarr, the disembodied mind and custodian of the Total Perspective Vortex on Frogstar World B ("the most totally evil place in the galaxy"), suffers from real-life dualism and is therefore having trial separation with his body, which has taken his forename Pizpot. The dispute arose over whether sex is better than fishing or not, a disastrous attempt at combining the two activities, and his body going out partying too late

GOD

"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing". "But," says man, "The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. "Oh, dear I hadn't thought of that" said God before disappearing in a puff of logic.

Poetry

"Ode To A Small Lump Of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning"

Putty. Putty. Putty.
Green Putty - Grutty Peen.
Grarmpitutty - Morning!
Pridsummer - Grorning Utty!
Discovery..... Oh.
Putty?..... Armpit?
Armpit..... Putty.
Not even a particularly
Nice shade of green.

Zen And The Art Of Going To The Lavatory
Relax mind
Relax body
Relax bowels
Relax.
Do not fall over.
You are a cloud.
You are raining.
Do not rain
While train Is standing at a station.
Move with the wind.
Apologise where necessary.


4 comments:

Sorcerer said...

wow!!
truth..truth..
truth said in poetic words

Yemiledu said...

Hey that was funny...
From which book is that??

санжог said...

hitch hiker's guide to the galaxyH2G2- douglas adams. I've read it 20 times over but i never get enough of it.

Written said...

You are a deviant comedian!

Oh by the way, I have been trolling your blog post for a bit now, and I must say, you are addictive to read, mann :p